Choices are indicative of power, but what choice does a child have?  Really, what choice? If we are talking about a favorite toy, or applesauce versus Jell-O, then I agree there is a choice.  The choice I am referring to was not easy or fun, quite the contrary. When we are defining choice as “the picking or deciding between two or more possibilities”, as a very young child I chose the lesser evil.

The choice was made to run from the mental and emotional savagery my drunken mother rained down on me daily, and into the arms of a father who took his loneliness out on me.  His bed offered a psychic protection from her, and on some level made me feel cared for. I hated her. It was the perfect confluence of predator and prey. He dealt the perfect hand, with his open arms, his charming good looks, and his paid for “protection”. Thus began a sick dance, with one partner leading, coercing, and bribing with hush money.

The payments were made in the form of trips to New York City to dine at PJ Moriarity, or Tavern on the Green. I was lavished with payments and secrets. “If your mother asks, tell her we got a sandwich at the deli”.  He wined and dined me all over Manhattan, and I felt special, very special, almost as if we were on a date. He crafted a fantasy world and I was his leading lady.  I occupied the place of my mother in his story, and his bed, from the age of two until I was eleven years old.  I was a captive player in this unwilling tale, and I receded deeper into an inner darkness, the place of shame, self-hatred, and utter aloneness. It seemed the lesser evil.

He is dead and gone and I have a choice. It has taken a lifetime to realize what he did to me, what was stolen from me, and how his choices formed my darkest self. My choice is to no longer let it define me. My choice is to believe who God says that I am, His beloved child.  Belovedness  is my birthright as a precious child of God, made in His image, but believing that doesn’t come naturally, it’s a choice I make daily. As a small child I chose the lesser evil. The grace of God surrounds me, His love enfolds me, and now I choose the greatest Good.

Psalm 27:10  “Even if my father and mother should desert me, You will take care of me”.