The rising sun has yet to beat me to the coffee pot, and the sacred hush of predawn solitude is my nourishment this morning.  The deafening quiet allows my creative spirit to rise from her slumber.  My feet are not yet touching the soft pile of the carpeting beneath my bed, and my mind has already solved the world’s problems.  I have never known the snooze button. That approach to life has it’s reality, the desire to just roll over, tucked into the soft warmth and inaction, wishing that today didn’t have to happen, at least not yet. Every once in a while the electric red numbers on my alarm clock stare back at me, and dread overtakes me. Not wanting to face my life or my day, those digital numbers are counting a reminder that time waits for no one. Today brings no such incapacitating thoughts of gloom and doom, and evil foreboding.  Those lies of defeat and unworthiness, the lullaby that rocks me to sleep, and the harbinger of a life unrealized, all before the sun has made it’s presence known. Waking very early, as is my habit, and before the digital alarm has even thought of blaring its offensive signal, I’ve implemented a spiritual strategy.  My initial thoughts are positive and encouraging, and a disciplined plan has been set in place, a plan that doesn’t come naturally to this sojourner. “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it”. That scriptural proclamation adorned the side of a sturdy ceramic coffee mug that I used, long ago.  I loved it so much that I purchased one for my mom, and she drank her morning coffee out of it until the days before she died.  That verse became symbolic of the miraculous mental and emotional healing that transformed our fractured relationship.  I find it amazing that the same woman who spoke lies into my very being, would one day be able to ask for my forgiveness, and allow us both to begin our journey to the truth.  I have repeated that verse every morning of my life, when even through the haze of drugs, alcohol, and suffering, the words were as empty as the bottom of a coffee cup just pulled from the shelf. As I journey to wholeness and embrace my belovedness, those words have transformational meaning now. I have to give myself a shot at starting the day out on a good note, embracing victory today, and it begins with my thoughts.

My journey to wholeness begins with replacing the lies that I’ve lived and believed, with the truth that I am a beloved child of God.  We all are. The lies were daily poured into me by my mother, her anger and resentment fueled by her own defeating battle with alcohol. On a daily basis she would stick her finger in my face and proclaim, “You’re the reason my marriage is falling apart.  You’re the reason this family is falling apart. It’s your fault. You’ll never amount to anything!” I believed her. You hear that stuff long enough and you not only believe it, but you become it.  I was force fed her hate, but I learned to feed myself pretty quickly.  I grew into adulthood with a steady diet of negativity and the glass less than half full.  So this morning as soon as sleep subsides, and my conscious reality comes alive, I remind myself that I am the beloved child of God, and today is full of possibilities.  That’s the discipline part, learning to believe.  It is definitely a learned behavior and mindset for me.  It’s more than the power of positive thinking, and the laws of attraction that have become so popular.  It’s the life changing exchange of a lie for the truth.  This battle has raged for control of my mind and spirit since my earliest memories.  A battle that for most of my life has been lost, the casualty of this war, a life not well lived, a life squandered in fear, doubt, and unrealized potential.

When my relationship with God was just beginning, I was a young girl who had an encounter with God that would alter the course of my life forever.  Never could I have known that my life long struggle to stop believing the lies my mother told me, would plague me daily and rob me of my life. I believed the lies and let them crush my spirit, and rob me of the gifts and abilities God has graced me with. I wish I could say there has been a particular moment of triumph and victory over the warring factions.  The reality is in the last year or so, I have begun to understand the battle that rages within, and how important my thoughts are. I still struggle with the lies, but I have a strategy now.  I choose every morning as I stare at those electric red digital numbers, to think good thoughts, and believe that I am the beloved child of God. This truth about who I am, and what I am capable of achieving makes hitting the snooze button an un-necessary option.

In the quiet predawn moments, I thank God for giving me the words and outpouring of energy after a night’s rest, my mind focused on the gift of writing. Today will be a good day, it’s a choice, and I’m choosing to believe the truth and no more lies. I choose victory!