This dawning day wasn’t met with the usual onslaught of relentless thought as so often is the case.  Those inaugural moments as the body and mind come to, come back from slumber land to the reality that is wakefulness, consciousness.  My intrusion back into the present tense after a typically sleep deprived night, commences with what can only be defined as “alertness”.  All synapses firing, I’ve begun solving the world’s problems before my toes brush the carpeting.  The clutter of my mind upon waking sets the pace and tone for the day.  I try to gather myself from harm’s way for a few, brief moments, summoning a positive thought or meditation to begin the day’s battle.  For the last thirty five years, each morning has begun with an inaudible recitation of Psalm 118:24, “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it”.  That Scripture was plastered on the side of a coffee mug gracing the shelf of the gift section of a bookstore many years ago.  Cash changed hands, and with the mug in tow, I made my way to the post office where I promptly shipped it to my Mom. Thereafter, and forevermore I usher in the new day with that admonition.  Much to my bemusement, the tone and subconscious/conscious selection of the word “Mom” as I recount this memory struck me just now.  She is, in this instance, referred to lovingly as “Mom”, as the memory is a pleasant one.  What remains after those few pleasantries are remembrances. of fear, shame, and “my mother”.  Hummmm…

Having made a determined effort to become a more positive human, at least to give myself an opportunity for hope and peace, a new 24 hours looms.  Siding up next to Psalm 118, is “May the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight oh Lord”, Psalm 19:14. The words of my mouth…the power of life and death is in the tongue.  The meditation of my heart translates from the Hebrew as “my thoughts”.  So there you have it.

What I think about, and by extension, what I tell myself over and over, form me. Unfortunately, I’ve echoed my mother’s lies in both my thoughts and in my self-talk since the dawn of my earliest memories.  The recurring lesson, “as a man thinketh in his heart, so he is”, evident in my struggle to circumvent the lies told to me, the lies I’ve believed. Can I just quiet the noise inside my head for even a little while?  A respite from the storm that is me and the other me.  The upside is that friends marvel at the vastness of the inconsequential drivel that is contained in my gray matter.  “How do you know that?” is a common refrain.  More common however is, “only you would think of that”.  I’m the font of useless information.

The day started with hope, but the desultory nature of this day off has made its way to the fore.  Lacking a definitive plan, I finally get myself showered, dressed, and out of the house.  First stop today, gas up at Costco as I’ve allowed the tank to run almost dry.  As I stood at the pump, liquid gold flowing into my gas tank, I had a moment of clarity, “you just have today”. Today, count my blessings and be grateful. Remember the old saying that “today is the first day of the rest of your life”?  But in fact, we only have today, this day, one day at a time. Life doesn’t seem as excruciating when I realize that I just have to desire excellence, today.  I don’t have to fret over success and career, and defining that.  All I have to do is be the best I can be, today.   What will I do to be better today?  Can I make a difference in someone’s life today?  How about being a good friend today?  Former church members from that long ago time of organized religion in my life, used to tell me that I had the gift of encouragement.  Funny, because I’m the most down, glass is half empty kind of person that I know.  Who can I encourage on their journey today? You perhaps?

Now that the gas tank is full, and errands complete, I’m sitting contemplatively with a cup of coffee, and this story about today has seeped out of me.  My inner tank is full as well, for in my writing, the emptying of myself onto the page, I’ve hopefully brightened your day, and given you something to think about. Good thoughts for a good day, for today is all that we really have.

Epilogue:

God has never given up on me, even when my darkness hung heavy and cold like a wet woolen blanket. When I gaze upon Him, and get a glimpse, if even for a second, of all that He has done for me, for us, I am humbled.  For today is all that I have, and it’s the precious day the Lord has given me.