The lights flashed on the police cruiser and instantly I was snagged, but I didn’t fear for my life.  On a lovely late summer day, not quite fall and yet the excitement for warm sweaters, gorgeous colors, and fields of pumpkins are within our grasp. I was driving without a care on a stretch of country road I hadn’t traveled before, enjoying the beauty of crisp air, rolling hills, and the deep blue Tennessee sky.  As I crested the hill and descended, I saw the cop car tucked into a clearing on the right, and fear griped me like a choke collar on an abused dog. The police vehicle pulled out behind me with lights flashing, and dread welled up in me, but I didn’t fear for my life. I was intimately aware of all that can and does go terribly wrong in this scenario when the pigment of your skin isn’t white.

I have been clean and sober for twenty-eight years. My fear still comes to the fore every time I see a police car but for different reasons. During my long ago drug heyday, I quite often had enough drugs in my possession to warrant jail time. The ridiculousness of addiction made me take karate lessons so I could take care of myself in prison, rather than seek professional help for my drug and alcohol problem. It never dawned on me to seek help, but I certainly wanted my black belt ASAP! So pathetic in retrospect. The fear of getting pulled over still affects me, even though my drug of choice nowadays is a strong black coffee and a donut chaser.

In light of recent events and the horrific deaths, or murders to be more accurate, during several traffic stops, I sat completely motionless with my hands in plain sight on the steering wheel. As the officer approached my car, I dared not lean down and pick up my sunglasses that had dropped to the floor, but I didn’t fear for my life. I just know that cops don’t like sudden movements. I sat there and thought of all of my friends who in this situation are completely uncertain they will survive a traffic stop.  My middle-aged white woman privilege made a speeding ticket the only outcome of my day, and I didn’t fear for my life, not even for a moment.